28 Weeks and Counting

Today begins the last trimester of pregnancy for me. Its hard to believe 28 weeks have gone by already with this amazing little life growing inside me. Summer has made the time fly by even quicker, because this season brings with it various activities that can only happen this time of year. July passed with a lot of hot days, made hotter by the fact that I spent the majority of them canning food from the garden. I can't complain though. We have a lot of yummy things to look forward to this winter, including pickles, homemade red and black raspberry jams, collards, green beans, and garden stew.

I was very grateful that my parents are close by and have a pool, because it is quite amazing how well a pool cools one's entire body temperature down, especially on those 90+ degree days. We also bit the bullet and bought a window air conditioner for our bedroom at the beginning of the summer, knowing it would be difficult to go through this summer pregnant and still be able to sleep without one. It has been quite a life-preserver on those unbearably hot nights, allowing me to sleep, when we would normally take a hiatus from all nightly rest for approximately 2 weeks until the heatwave passed. 

While buying a bigger bed and softer mattress made it possible for me to sleep without added pillows for the entirety of the second trimester, I have now entered the phase where my knees and belly need a little extra support. I go to sleep surrounded by what appears to be a fortress of pillows, much to Winston's comfort, as he cuddles up right beside me most nights. 

Last week taught me an important lesson: no woman, no matter how "unemotional" she might think she is, is exempt from the effects of pregnancy hormones. I went through the routine 1-hour glucose screening test to check for gestational diabetes last week. Since I had not seen my primary OBGYN before taking this test (I had last seen one of the other 3 docs in the office), I was not told what the parameters were for passing and failing. I wasn't too worried about the outcome, as I have been blissfully exempt from a lot of the sweet cravings that so often come with pregnancy. I have made a point to exercise just about every day, and eat healthier than I normally would do in the summer (since I normally eat ice cream multiple times a week during any given summer). I was even more careful about eating healthy the week before the test, so when I checked the patient portal and discovered my blood glucose was 133mg/dl after drinking the nasty orange drink and fasting since supper the night before, it didn't sound too bad. I even googled normal standards which said that 140 and under were considered "fine." I was completely caught off guard the next day, however, when the first thing out of the nurse's mouth was that I had failed the 1-hour glucose test and would need to take the 3-hour test. Keep in mind that the night before this was spent discussing how awful the 3-hour test was with 2 of my cousins. Upon hearing that I had failed, it was like a tidal wave of emotion hit me. I was instantly upset, weepy, and struggling to keep myself together (not like me). Even after hearing my doctor explain that 130 is the cutoff for pregnant women just to get a wider screening of potential gestational diabetes candidates, and that I really shouldn't worry too much, I was still very upset. Aren't I a healthy person? Do I exercise daily and eat healthy for nothing? I was given the alternative to test my blood sugar 4 times a day for week, to see if my levels actually are within normal range, which I chose to do after a little consideration. 

It took talking to multiple people telling me that I was likely fine and completely healthy, and not to worry about it, keeping myself busy with cleaning the house all evening, and a good nights rest before I was finally able to let the stress of it go, and accept that God would take care of me through this, no matter what the outcome may be. Since my office wasn't able to get the prescription for my reader in to my pharmacy before we left for campmeeting on Thursday, I was able to spend a relaxing weekend in Maine without worrying about my blood sugar, which I think God knew I needed. Upon getting back from Maine and starting my week of testing this morning, so far my 2 times checking it have been normal to low. 

God has been teaching me a lot of lessons throughout pregnancy, first and foremost that I have to trust Him in everything. So much of life is out of my direct control, but luckily for me He is bigger than all of it, and more than capable of taking care of me and BaBee Howe. 

Wandering In the Desert

When I look back over the course of my life I can see how God has been working with me. Even before I was born He knew everything about me: the family I would be raised in, my personality, what makes me tic, and how to reach me. A lot of growth has happened in my relationship with Him since I first surrendered my life to God as a teenager. I am not the same person today that I was then. There have also been dry spells. Times where the monotony of life dragged me into stagnant water. Looking back at those dry spells I can see my desperate need for God. Even though I read the Word, its passages at that time seemed empty, not reaching me or speaking to me. In those dry spells I often wondered what had caused the flame in my life and heart to go out. I realize now it was because I had lost sight of my deep need of God. I wasn't on the mountaintop or deep in the valley, I was stuck somewhere in the middle, treading water, without any will or hope of moving forward. 

I think we all experience those times in the desert, where we feel lost, unconnected with God and our purpose. What I have learned is that even in those times when it doesn't feel like God is near or that He cares or is listening, He is. We are the ones that distance ourselves from Him, not the other way around. Its all too easy to shift our focus from God above to the miserable state of sin in this world below and the sin in us. Sometimes the only way to reconnect with God at the end of those desert experiences is to completely give up our own will in the midst of our brokenness and loneliness. It is when we experience our deepest need of God that we fully realize how present He is and was all along. When we crawl into His arms, scarred, hurting, and with tears streaming down our face He dabs at the wounds, dries our tears, and speaks words of comfort and love. The same words once read without need sounded hallow and empty, devoid of meaning. For the soul in need of God, His Word comes alive, ready to heal, teach, and inspire growth in the reader. 

It is in that place of shelter, love, and comfort in Jesus' arms that I now find myself. I thank God for the tough experiences in my life, because without them I would not have been driven to God. I know personally why Paul and Jesus wrote to count it a blessing when trials and persecution come our way. They both knew it is those times that refine our character and make us into a people God is proud to say are reflectors of His character here on earth. 

When trials and challenges happen in your life this week, before reacting in anger, frustration, or sadness, turn to God and ask Him how the experience can be used to draw you closer to Him, and/or help someone else. You may be surprised to find that He is ready with either peace, an answer, or both. 

Denial and Anger go hand in hand

Have you ever noticed that denial and anger walk closely together. I suppose I knew it to be true, but unless you are confronted with it, well, denial is denial after all. Denial often results for me after bad news. I get upset initially, and anger soon follows. Bad news can make me so angry that it almost seems like it can't happen, isn't happening, won't happen, all in the effects of denial. This was the case for me this week with some news I heard. Right now I don't feel like elaborating, so I'm just going to be vague. Sorry if that annoys you.

It doesn't really matter what the news is, however, more that for me, I had to learn a lesson the hard way that anger and denial really aren't the best ways to deal with tough stuff. It got me through this week without feeling too much emotion, however. I wasn't hurt, I wasn't all that sad, I was just angry.

Today all that changed. The news confronted me, directly from the person it concerned, making it impossible for me to deny and be mad. The reality began to settle, and the wall I had so carefully built this week fell down all at once. There I was, feeling emotionally naked, in front of more people than I care to remember.

I know I'm not the only person this has happened to. Lots of people build walls every day to keep their emotions hidden, in-check, and away from onlookers. This works for a while, and it makes us feel safer. But in the long run, it only makes the pain cut deeper, and exposes us at the worst times.

What have I learned from this experience? I really need to spend more time with God when faced with difficult news and situations in my life. He already knows my heart, so its okay to let the barriers down for Him, and let Him teach me what He will in that situation. Also, I need to remember to trust Him. He's big enough to take care of the things I have no control over. After all, He wants whats best, even more than I do, and only He knows what that is.

A Little Change

This past Sunday I made a little change to my look. I got my ears pierced. I had been thinking about it for a little while now, and the opportunity presented itself to go with mom to the mall, so I did it. The majority of my friends and family are open-minded enough to accept such a change in me, or have their ears pierced themselves, but let me tell you, I know plenty of people who would make an issue out of this "little" change.

Honestly, piercing my ears was just never something I wanted to do before now. To be completely honest, there were so many battles to fight over necklaces and other jewelry with certain people in our church growing up, that I never wanted to add that extra element of drama to my life.

I decided to write a post about this for a few reasons.
1) People are going to see my ears sooner or later, so why not blog about it.
2) I want to explain the way I feel about them, and how I've grown as a person.

I have to say that I've grown a lot spiritually in the past year. Growing up in the Bennington church did a number on my opinion of myself, as well as my understanding of God's opinion about me. I used to be that having my own opinions and ideas about religion were unacceptable, because it didn't coincide with tradition. I've now learned to embrace my walk with God, with all of my questionings, lack of understanding, and need for growth. I used to be so concerned with what other people thought about me, that it kept me from being me. I've realized this is unhealthy and not what God wants for me. I also learned that judging others is simply unacceptable, because in so doing I condemn myself. Don't get me wrong. I'm not perfect. I struggle with this daily, but it is something I give to God each day to change in my life.

With these understandings, I finally feel comfortable being me. And let me just say people, I like to wear jewelry. I always have. My great grandmother used to have an old jewelry box for grandkids to play dress up with. I have a lot of fond memories of doing that at her house. From when I was a child, I had my little stash of necklaces, anklets, and rings I'd collected on various vacations and other outings; all cheap and without value to everyone except me. The problem was, I was not allowed to wear them unless we were far away from Bennington. Hypocritical? I think so. I hated it, but I understand the desire to not "make waves," so I complied. As I got older, I wavered back and forth about what that meant in my life, and how I should deal with it. In the past few years, I have become acutely aware of the hypocrisy in my life; being one person in church, and another outside. I just can't stand that anymore. Its not what I want. Its not what God wants. And you want to know something else? God accepts me and loves me for who I am. Jewelry and all.

I love to dress nicely for special occasions, and coordinate my outfits so that they compliment each other. Just ask my family. To me, jewelry is just part of the outfit. It compliments it. I realize that many Adventists don't see jewelry the same way, and thats fine. Just don't tell me how to think. That is none of your business. How anyone feels about dress is between them and God. He is the one we should look to as our model. Not each other.

The reason for this long rendering of sentiments? I want this out there, so people know how I feel. I also want people who have felt condemnation from other Adventists over such issues to embrace freedom before God, as He is our judge, not our fellow neighbor. Let God create you to be the person He made you to be, without the fear of condemnation of others. Besides, if they judge you, they have their own battles with God.