Learning To Trust

Considering how irregular I've been lately, this is quite unusual to be on here again in the same day, but I had a break through this afternoon and evening that relates to my previous post. If you haven't read the previous post, I suggest you do before going on, as it will add perspective.

All week long I've been struggling with my feelings over the situation with Kaplan. I've been angry, frustrated, scared, upset, and overwhelmed. I also feel helpless to a degree, because if they choose not to accept the course substitution and tell me I have to take the class, they can withhold my diploma if I don't do it. And unfortunately, as many family members have pointed out, I don't have a written record of how my degree plan started out, a real loss. Amidst this feeling of helplessness, there was also stubbornness. I didn't want to let go, which is why it has been eating at me for the past couple of weeks.

All week long, God has been nudging me. Sometimes quietly, sometimes with more force, trying to get me to let it all go and leave it in His hands, trusting that He will work things out for the best. The trouble is, I was so scared that He would allow it to work out a way I didn't think I'd like, as if I knew better what was best for me, even though I can't see into the future. Seem silly? Look at your own walk with God. I know you know what I'm talking about.

This afternoon I had some time to bake at home. As per my habit, I turned on the tunes to one of the Christian stations I have on Pandora. Song after song, God was getting to me. Poking, prodding, reminding me that He has my best at heart. That He loves me too much to steer me wrong; that if I would let it all go to God and trust Him, I would be at peace, and the situation would work out. I had been asking Him this week to help me trust Him, as I knew I wasn't yet ready. He answered that prayer. I finally broke in the middle of making strawberry rhubarb pie. I laid it all down, and let His peace come in, and it was wonderful for my soul. I was rewarded even more through the agape supper at church tonight. It amazes me sometimes how I can seemingly forget God during the course of my day, week, until something strikes me and I remember. God must have known that would happen to us humans, because He kept saying, "Remember, remember, remember." And still we forget. I forget.

I guess I just wanted to share this, because unlike what we see on the outside, the character we see at church or in the grocery store, we're all fighting battles on the inside. I have my own battles with God, struggles to stay on track, and a journey that keeps taking turns, some that I don't expect. But that is what makes each of us who we are, and God is just ecstatic to be a part of our lives, if we will just let Him. Invite Him in tonight. He's waiting with a smile and outstretched arms.


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